The cloning of Gretchen

This is a series I wrote to create some controversy in order to help raise some money for Gretchen, the deserving proprietress of the "save my life" cafe.

A TERRIBLE THING HAPPENED last saturday. Gretchen was abducted by armed gunmen and replaced by a clone.
A ransom demand was made. For a paltry $2000 the real gretchen will be returned to us. Needless to say, we are negotiating with the abductors over the pricetag. (Never pay retail)
In order to strengthen our negotiating position, we need a respectable wallet of cash. (The abductors are capitalists)
So, if you want the real Gretchen back, not this beechy, grumpy, whining clone, please vote for her with your dollars.
Honestly;
Roberto
Chairman of the Get Gretch Back Committee

Part Two:

IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE!!
Roberto went to meet with the armed kidnaping capitalists to negotiate a discount on Gretchens' ransom.
When he returned he was uncharacteristically happy, bright and cheerfull. Those cloning capitalists had replaced him with a clone too.
Damn. We are going to miss his grumpy, pouting and withdrawn self. The good news is that the ransom demand was discounted to a mere $100 AND it's a two for one deal. We get them both back for 50% off. (If we act quickly)
Truthfully;
Michael
Treasurer, Get Gretch Back Committee

Part Three
IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE!!
I left the cafe where Roberto's happy clone was grinding coffee and being unlike his real self, WHEN I ran into the real Roberto. He was mad. He had escaped from the clutches of the capitalist cloning kidnappers. He told me that the kidnappers were aliens and they are going to ship Gretchen off to some distant petting zoo, as she is a prime specimen (speciwoman?) of Nordic womanhood. They would have sent her off, but she is just too skinny, so they are putting weight on her. The recipient aliens are slimy multi-armed spoiled-clam-smelling creatures that like to touch and feel stuff. We have to rescue Gretchen from this miserable fate!!
PLEASE, help get Gretchen back before she gets too fat and sent offf to that horrid petting Zoo.
In all Truth;
Treasurer G.G.B.C.

WELL, my life is in the TOILET.
The clone that the aliens replaced me with, somehow got credit cards(maxed out), a bank loan and borrowed money from all my friends and from people I have never even heard of. All my tools are in a pawn shop.
I am ruined. Cloning is not a good idea, let me tell you. No wonder that clone was in such a good mood.
I found out that the only protection from the aliens is a high blood-alcohol level, as it makes one invisible to the aliens. That's been usefull, but the hangovers are HELL.
So, I got rid of my clone and am trying to put my life back together. Meanwhile, Gretchen is gaining weight and her clone is getting meaner. Don't be fooled!!
Truly
Roberto,etc.

Note: so far we have raise $400 to help pay the bills.