The most-abused drug

I meant to research how many people are addicted to television. Last week I got another sampling of the power of T.V. to suck the life right out of me. If I were the Decider, I would fanagulate the end of Television. I would frame it in the context of a terrorist plot to deplete the last two functioning brain cells in viewers' heads. I would do it on T.V. of course, just before 33 eco-friendly nut-wacks suicide themselves across various power transmissions lines, bodies burned way beyond identification, except for their passports, which would miraculously slip out of their Hemp fiber jeans. All 33! That's possible ain't it?
The power outage would bring the country to a standstill and I would make millions on the stocks of candle manufacturers and battery fabricators. There would be a congressional investigation and I would gladly testify, being very concerned about the lack of T.V. and all; wanting to get down to the truth, you know. I would insist that the procedings would be conducted in secret, citing national security. If anybody objects, I would simply mutter the words traitor or sedition. Then before that august commitee, I would pinky-explore my presinus appendage or roll my eyes at the tedious bi-partisan harranging of the Decider.
That's what I would do if I were the Decider and if you are laughing, you are NOT like military underwear --- supporting the troops.