Another Talk with God

God? Oh, Gaw-wad, are you there? He doesn't want to talk to me because I thought it over and have a new angle. The bastard probably knows I'll have him over a barrel with this new approach. He is a slick one, I tell you, I...Oh, hey! There you are, I was just thinking how much I have missed talking to you. "You were, eh?" Shit, this is the problem with an omniscient deity, he knows what I am thinking. "Cut to the chase, I'm busy today." Busy? Busy doing what? Fucking things up in the mid-east? I don't care if he can read my mind. I'm not going to bow down to some tin-horn dictator unless my ass is being Guantanomized. I have a question, God. Nothing. Some hold music would be nice. Hel-loo, It's me! I have a teeny weeny question! Hello, hello, get the cotton out, Mr. God. "What's the question?" Never a good sign when he uses contractions in his dialog. Gotta be careful today. What'cha doin'? My best curious kid imitation. "Paying bills." What? What's he talking about? "I'm paying bills. Costs a lot to keep this rinky dink solar system running." Oh. I'm confuddled. God, I don't understand. "Paying bills, what's not to understand. I'm doing the utility bill, right now." I don't understand. "The utility bill to keep the sun running." The sun running? My confidence is evaporating; I have a queasy feeling in my midsection. "What's the matter?" I don't feel good, God. "Lonely?" No, I have a tummy ache. "How come?" He clucking damn well knows why. I ate too much, that's why. "Whadcha eat?" I'm stunned. He sounds just like a little kid. It's disarming. I ate five baloney sandwiches, God. Before I can check myself, I blab it out. Silence. Frankly, I am kinda glad for the silence, now. Maybe he is licking the stamp for the bill envelope. My tummy hurts. I got bread today. Didn't eat my oatmeal this morning. Went to have bad coffee and work on the Lannee story. When I got back, I wanted sandwiches, made from the bread, the honest neutron-dense bread. Went to the store with gusto and a real appetite. Holey Smoke, the baloney was on sale! Only cost a dollar thirty nine. Caught myself speeding home. Slice, slice. A quick anti-evil ritual over the mayonaise. When in doubt cast it out. Fumbling the baloney open. Sandwich constructed and happy, leg swingin' and lip grinnin', munching away. "Sorry, cellphone rang." It's rude to talk on the cellphone when you are having a conversation, don't you know that, God. Got 'im. Ha haa, neener neener. "I apologize, but it was for you." Somebody called your cellphone to talk to me? "Don't be so naive, you are less than unknown. I was getting the winning lottery numbers for you, so that you can get rich. How is that story going? Get a lot of work done on it? Huhnn, what's the matter, cat got your tongue?" The winning lottery numbers? Yeah, uhh, it's goin' great. "Whadzit 'bout?" The kid again. Oh, it's about .. how .. uhh, well .. it's about an alternative universe and their God is going mad and all the stuff around that...My tummy really hurts, now.